I’m going to the Blackout Haunted House. Again. Like an idiot. They are doing an offseason in the event. They bill it as a longer and more personalized experience. Why do I do this shit to myself?
If you don’t know what Blackout is, it bills itself as the most terrifying haunted house in existence. You walk through in the pitch dark. And you MUST go through alone.
This is what I went through last time:
I got several messages from people wanting to have my Blackout Haunted House review in a format they can reblog, which is very flattering. Thanks! Here you go!
First of all, let me apologize for what is going to be a very long entry… and saySPOILER ALERT to anyone who doesn’t want to know what goes on in Blackout. I think it’s over for the season though so hopefully I’m good.
For anyone who doesn’t know, the Blackout Haunted House bills itself as the most hardcore, intense haunted house in the world. They employ a team of psychologists, ex-military spooks, and fear experts to build the scariest place they can imagine. You have to walk through alone, it’s in complete darkness, and the actors are allowed to touch you - even harm you! It’s sexual, violent, disturbing, etc. It is so intense that is has a safe word for the people who can’t handle it.
I went to it on Monday. For anyone who wants to go, it was a fantastic experience and worth the money. It just wasn’t scary for me, personally. I’ve taken to describing it as “a really creepy day spa”. Jump-out scares, like you get at a traditional Halloween maze, scare the bejeezus out of me. Psychological torture doesn’t phase me, apparently. I chalk it up to watching too many horror movies and running this Tumblr. You’re all to blame!!!!
That being said, it certainly scares the fuck out of some people. There were three huuuuuuuuuuuuuge dudes ahead of me in line. All 3 of them cried “safety” and were carried out in maybe the first 10 minutes - I saw them all go in then come right back out. My friend Rob, who did it on Saturday, refused to go again with me the following Monday. He said he had to sit in his car for 45 minutes after he got out because he was so scared. And one of the girls I was with, who is a huge horror fan, couldn’t stop screaming through the whole experience. Like a lot of horror, it’s only go to scare you if you are someone who is affected by what the have to offer. I think it’s something that would scare 90% of people.
So here is what happened…
I waited on an X on the ground outside the entrance, already separated from my friends. Hanging up everywhere was black light-proof plastic - kind of like garbage bag material. Suddenly, a dude batted aside the flap and dragged me into a room made of the material. He shined a flashlight in my eyes and started yelling at me - “What’s the safe word, do you have medical conditions, you’re not ready for this!!!” - that sort of stuff. In the middle of all of this, he gave me a surgical mask to put on. He also took the time to shine the flashlight on my tattoos and admire them so I was hoping he won’t punch me in the mouth because I have good ink.
I should back up and say that was my only fear in Blackout. I met up with a friend right before I went in who had a huge scrape on the side of his mouth from where he got punched by one of the “actors” in Blackout. He apparently didn’t get down when they told him to, so they punched him. My friend that cried in the car for 45 minutes also told me about how he was violently choked until he had trouble breathing. I don’t mind being touched but I do mind being hurt… so I decided I was going to obey all orders so I didn’t get hit. I was worried about one of my piercings getting ripped out - especially the dermal implant on my cheek. In retrospect, I wish I had fought back a little more because I think it may have actually scared me.
Moving on, the dude effectively blinded me with his flashlight then shoved me into a pitch black room. He told me to walk along the line - which I couldn’t see for the life of me. So I flailed along in the darkness until he grabbed me and told me to stop. He kept grabbing me - sometimes violently, sometimes gently like a molester - and moving me to different places in the room. In between getting dragged around, I was left alone for long enough that I started to wonder if I’d been forgotten - especially after he dragged someone else in and starts moving them through even though I was EXPRESSLY told you’re supposed to be alone through this whole experience.
For me, every time he grabbed me, it actually calmed me down. Standing alone in the darkness makes any sane person want to flail out or try to look around to see if you can catch a glimpse of what is out there. I think this is where people’s minds first start playing tricks on them. But I already knew my night vision was wiped from the flashlight - there was a big bright after effect staining my vision. So I just kept my palms flat against my thighs and my head down. This helped keep me calm and meant that every time the dude wanted to grab me, he pretty much had to hug me.
For the most part, he just moved me through the room then left me alone in the dark. There was a bit where he stuck some goggles on me, then sprayed me with water and another part where he sort of gently choked and scratched me. I think, in general, they are a lot rougher with the guys and a lot more rape-y with the girls. If they had been rougher with me throughout the experience instead of molesty, I may have been more scared.
So after being moved around the pitch-black room, getting hugged/molested for about 10 minutes, I got shoved through a flap in the plastic sheeting. I walked into a new room - and all the rooms are formed out of the plastic sheeting ps so when I say “Room”, that is what I mean. This room held an old television playing a video of what looked like a cow or a deer carcass getting cut apart. There is a metal chair in front of the tv and plastic spoons all over the floor, which is a pretty clear indication of what is going to happen.
Suddenly, a creepy dude unfolded from the floor and pointed at the chair. Having literally JUST watched Martyrs, I sat down instead of fighting. The dude stuck a spoon into a metal pail and offered me a spoonful of pale green liquid. I swallowed it - it had some unidentifiable taste - as he circled behind me. He (or it may have been a she, hard to tell as the person had a huge piece of gaff tape over their mouth and androgynous features) started rubbed his hands all over my neck and pointing at the tv. Again, having watched a bunch of torture porn (plus all of those awful PETA ‘meat is murder’ videos), it didn’t get to me but I can see it really fucking with the average joe.
A girl walked in from behind the sheet to the next room and took over the molesting. She ran her hands over my legs then took off my shoe and sock, so I was barefoot on one foot. She gave them to the guy, who ran off, as she dragged me into the room she came from.
Her room was litered in opened condoms, which squelched under my newly bare foot. She proceeded to take my hair out of its ponytail and run her hands through it, rub her breasts against mine, shove her hands down my pants, etc. She tied my hair in a weird side ponytail like I was in the 80s. This was around where the “Creepy Day Spa” thought started rolling around in my head because she stood behind me and was pretty much massaging my shoulders - in a “I’m gonna rape you way” but still… my mind works in weird ways.
Once she was done, she pushed me to the ground and made me crawl through the condoms into the next room. My memory is a little vague but I basically went through a bunch of different dark rooms then ended up in a room with, I think, two guys. One dude grabbed me and tied my wrists together, jerking me around while his buddy laughed. This is definitely the room where they are the roughest with you. The guy told me to jog in place and kept yelling at me to go faster. I’m kinda out of shape so I was like “oh hell no” but I did it because I was pretty sure these dudes were the punching guys.
They made me run in place for a good two minutes - I’m sure just to watch my tits bounce around. Then they forced me to the floor and placed a plastic bag over my head. Mind you, I still had the surgical mask on this entire time. After having jogged, you’re running a little short of breath. So the next part - when the guy whispers “scream” then pulls the bag back so the plastic goes in your mouth and you can’t breathe - this is where most people yell “safety”. They leave the bag on your head for a long time. I’d estimate around 5 minutes but other friends who did it swear it was closer to 10 or 15. The whole time, it’s pretty difficult to breathe. Instead of panicing (because I was gonna finish this motherfucking haunted house if it killed me), I just focused on slowing my breathing. Once I started getting annoyed that I couldn’t breathe well, I started fake listing to the side to get them to take the bag off.
They finally did then pushed me over and told me to crawl. He kept yelling “to the right! Don’t you know which way right is?” Actually, not really… so he sort of nudged me in the ribs with his knee to get me going in the direction he wanted me. Once he got me where he wanted me, he whispered “crawl” and help open yet another plastic flap.
I crawled into a room where a man was on top of a naked woman on an inflatable bed. The rapist guy hopped up off the bed and stuck me against a wall and told me to watch. I sat my fat ass down on the convenient ledge and caught my breath while this dude went to town on this girl. All I could think of was how much my foot hurt from when I was sitting on it while kneeling in the other room.
My foot problems were promptly solved when the guy dragged me to the bed and laid me down. He started licking and rubbing my bare foot, which actually felt delightful since that foot hurt. Again - something that would probably creepy out most people. The girl he had been raping “woke up” and started screaming and trashing, grabbing me and begging me for help. The rapist guy grabbed me and shoved me out into a hallway.
I emerged blinking since the hallway was fairly well lit compared to the pitch black or dim illumination I had previously experienced. I met a well dressed, skinny guy who told me to stand on an X on the floor. He walked away for a while then came back, holding a staple gun. He waived it around for a while then put it in my hands and said “squeeze”. So I did. Because, fuck him. He flinched them came at me and hit me with it a few times but it was empty. Then he pushed me into another hallway, this time outside of a men’s room.
Some guy - who my friends claim was buck-ass naked (and well hung) but apparently I didn’t notice - grabbed my arm and dragged me into the bathroom. The floor was wet and covered in trash - and I was still missing one shoe. He left me by the sink while he went into the stall and puked. I could hear vomit hitting the water. Then he flushed and told me to come in the stall. Upon entering, he told me to get a key from the toilet. The toilet, of course, was covered in shit and filled with brown water. I jammed my hand into it anyway and fished out the keys.
Upon being chased out of the bathroom, I was pushed into yet another room. This time, there was a girl laying on the floor with her leg chained. Apparently she was naked too but I didn’t notice. I’m bad at noticing nudity, apparently… so I got down and tried to unchain her while she screamed that “he” was coming back so we had to hurry. Trying to get a tiny little key in a lock you can’t see while your hands are wet is fucking impossible, let me tell you. I finally got it unlocked and she lept up, grabbing my hand and trying to find out how to get out of the room.
Finally, we ran down some hallway towards the entrance. Some big guy grabbed me and yelled “DID YOU LET HER GO?” I nodded yes. He pushed me up against a wall and yelled “NOW YOU’RE PART OF THIS, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? YOU’RE PART OF THIS FOREVER! THIS WILL NEVER END!” I nodded again and he chased me out. Viola, experience over.
So that was Blackout. If that sounds scary to you, you should go because it will be terrifying. If that sounds like your average Tuesday, I hope you’re doing good after the hurricane because you’re clearly from New York. If that sounds erotic, hello fellow /b/tard. And if that sounds like “something you’d never do ever oh god why would anyone pay for that you could have been hurt oh god oh god”, hello Mom, please stop reading my Tumblr.